Elbert Einstein is often quoted as saying “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” It is likely he never really said that. Regardless, the quote defines insanity in an interesting way. The definition can easily be applied to marriage counseling.

Imagine a couple agreeing to seek out professional counseling after many years of unresolved problems. During the first few sessions, their counselor will do everything they can to try to figure out what the couple has been doing all along. Certain changes will then ultimately be suggested.

What if the couple refuses to embrace the changes? They will continue doing the same things they have always done. In the end, the results will not change. Their marriage will still be broken long after counseling sessions are over.

It Doesn’t Work for a Reason

People are curious creatures. We have a habit of repeating past mistakes. That is not the curious thing, though. What is curious is the assumption that what failed in the past only failed because the person who tried it didn’t do it correctly. We think that if we try it ourselves, we will somehow succeed.

A strategy that consistently fails is one that doesn’t work for a reason. Picture a boat with a hole in the hull. It doesn’t matter how many times you put that boat in the water, it is going to sink. Preventing it from sinking requires that you do something different. It requires that you fix the hole before you go to sea.

Husbands and wives in couples’ therapy may recognize during counseling sessions that the way they communicate is unproductive and unhealthy. Their counselor might suggest ways to change things up. Then what? Failing to adopt the changes means falling back to what they have always known: unproductive and unhealthy communication. They may blame the counselor for failing them but, in reality, they failed by repeating the same mistakes all over again.

Change Is Part of Life

At Relationships & More in Westchester County, NY, counselors like to point out the fact that change is part of life. In fact, an unwillingness to embrace change is one of the things that causes trouble among married couples.

Older couples can find themselves in trouble once the kids are gone and they do not have to work so hard to pay the bills. Any empty nester can tell you just how different life is when it’s just husband and wife alone in the house. It takes a lot of getting used to.

Just like mom and dad have to get used to the fact that the kids are grown up and gone, they also have to embrace the fact that their marriage relationship has now changed. It has changed for neither good nor bad. It has just changed.

Embracing change in a healthy way can make their relationship much stronger. On the other hand, trying to maintain the relationship the same way they did when they were raising kids and building a retirement nest egg isn’t going to work.

Changing with Purpose

Marriage counselors encourage clients to change for a reason. They want change with purpose. What are they trying to achieve? Marriage counselors are trying to help their clients fix broken marriages by encouraging them to embrace changes in the way they do things.

Not changing means continuing the same practices that got them into trouble. The results will be no different. And as the saying goes, expecting different results after doing the same thing over and over again is insane.